Q & A

How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?

If you change your behaviour (for example, not going out with your friends, not wearing certain types of clothing, not pursuing your interests) because your partner makes you feel bad or guilty about doing these things, you might be in an abusive relationship.

If you are afraid of how your partner might react and you try to do things to keep the peace, you might be in an abusive relationship.

If your partner makes you feel bad about yourself--your appearance, your level of intelligence, your friends, your family, etc.--you might be in an abusive relationship.

If your partner monitors your phone and internet use, wants to know where you are and who you're with all the time, gives you curfews, you might be in an abusive relationship.

Remember, abuse is always about control.

To explore in detail your relationship and how it is affecting you, make an appointment with a counsellor, or call the helpline at 1-800-265-5390

How does my relationship with my partner affect my kids? We almost never fight in front of them.

You might think you are protecting your children from the abuse you experience, but they know and are deeply affected. Most of the time they blame themselves. (ex. "if I hadn't spilled my juice, Dad wouldn't have started yelling at Mom. It's my fault"). Kids are very aware of what's going on in their home, and when they have an opportunity to talk about it with the Children's Counsellor, they learn that they are not to blame. They also learn about how they can stay safe, emotionally and physically.

When children witness one parent being controlled, manipulated and made to feel bad about themselves, they are learning how to treat people in this world. Children learn what they live.

How can I get my partner to change? I really love him and want to make this relationship work.

No matter how much you might want this, it is not likely to happen. Partners who have the power in a relationship are not inclined to want to change, and unless they seek individual counselling for their abusive behaviour, statistically, they likely will not change. Sometimes, if there has been a violent incident (emotional or physical), the abusive partner might promise to change, and to go to counselling, but most of the time these are empty promises.

What about couples counselling?

In relationships where there is an imbalance of power, couples counselling is ineffective, and can be dangerous. In Middlesex County, a woman was stabbed 12 times by her husband a few days after having attended a couples counselling session during which they discussed her intention to leave him. She explained to the counsellor, when asked why she had waited this long, that she was afraid of what he might do. No safety planning was done at this session, and the direction to the couple upon leaving the office was to not talk to each other about what had been discussed until the next appointment.

We hear many examples of well-intentioned but badly informed couples counselling that have caused emotional harm to women in abusive relationships.

I'm ready to leave my partner; how should I go about it?

Firstly, to get to this point, we understand how much you have gone through, and we know what a difficult decision it has been. We understand the hurdles and barriers you face and we will support you as best we can.

The most critical thing to remember is that you should not tell your partner your plan. We know that this might not feel right for you, and that you might feel you owe it to him to sit down and tell him, but do not do this. Women are most at risk of serious injury or death when they are in the process of leaving and up to 2 years afterward--even if their partner had never been physically abusive during the relationship. If your partner is controlling, then your leaving means a loss of control, which he will want back.

When women get to the point of being ready to leave, they feel a new sense of empowerment, and their partner senses this and is afraid of it because it means a loss of his control. Do your best to act as normally as possible during this period.

If you are able to meet with a WRRC counsellor, then a personalized safety plan can be developed to help you leave safely. If you cannot meet with a counsellor, call the helpline for support 1-800-265-5390. Each woman's situation is unique and needs individual planning.

Most women need to gather personal information and store it in another location:

• personal identification including social insurance card, driver’s license and registration, OHIP card, passports and any immigration papers

• children’s birth certificates and OHIP cards

• school/medical/vaccination records

• necessary medications and medical supply for self and the children

• money

• checkbooks, credit cards and ATM cards

• bankbooks and statements

• keys: for home, storage, car, work, safety deposit box, etc

• copies of all court orders: restraining orders, peace bonds, custody and access agreements, exclusive possession of the matrimonial home, divorce papers

• lease/ rental agreements, deeds, mortgages, insurance policies, other papers concerning assets

• small, valuable objects like jewellery

• children’s favourite toys and blankets

• sentimental items

• address book with all telephone numbers

• appointment book

• computer diskettes that may contain essential information

• pictures or other evidence of the abuse such as journals